Having the choice to be child free
By Zahava Robb
“Do you have children?” This is a question I’m asked quite a lot. When I answer no, I often immediately encounter this look of, ‘ugh’ and an awkward silence from the asking party.
Times are certainly changing – according to a recent study, the number of couples who have made the choice not to have children has been rising in Western countries, and the reasons for this choice vary between male and females[1].
The interesting thing is mine and my husband’s choice not to have children is not because of my health and physical condition. Being a parent is not easy, there’s a lot to consider; it takes patience, attention, and constant concern for their overall well-being. Knowing that our children are happy is something that requires enormous mental and physical strength. Despite the fact that I love children very much, these are strengths that I know for sure that I am not able to provide for a child.
Studies have also shown that there is often a negative perception towards couples who choose not to have children. For example, a couple who chooses not to have children are sometimes seen as “hedonistic and irresponsible.[2]”
Someone I knew once asked me – “How can you be selfish and not give your husband a child?”. My response to that is choosing not to have children does not make me selfish, children are not given to the partner as if they are a birthday present! Having children should be a decision made by both partners. I think the fact I am aware of my inability to provide the children with the most important things they need, makes me selfless, not selfish.
When my husband and I sat down to discuss whether or not to have children, the first thing I said to my husband Daniel was – “If you really want children and I can't handle it, I'm releasing you from our relationship. I won't be the one to prevent you from being a father”.
Daniel's answer was unequivocal, “I love you, and appreciate the ability to discuss this with you honestly. I put my love for you first, and we will not be unusual. There are so many couples who chose not to have children for all kinds of reasons, we have to make the correct decisions for us”.
I think the time has come for society to accept this choice of couples who have chosen a relationship without parenting, with openness and understanding as they and I accept your choice to bring children into the world.
What makes me particularly angry is the statement,” Zahava, you don't have children, so you don't understand at all”. Maybe I don't have the natural instincts of a mother, but as someone who grew up in a large family surrounded by siblings, who took care of my younger siblings and nephews and nieces, I think I have a little idea about children. The fact that I'm not a mother doesn't mean that I don't know a thing or two about children, or that I don't have the right to express my opinion.
As many of you know, I got sick at the age of 8 and was hospitalised for a whole year until I was finally diagnosed with arthritis. Sometimes I’m asked what the strongest memory I have from that long hospitalisation is - my answer still to this very day is, ‘crying of sick babies!’.
The concept of the family is changing – during the past few decades a large number of couples are making the choice not to be parents[3]. This is also reflected in changing attitudes towards women, people with disabilities, gender identities and cultural awareness (to name just a few) over the last 100 years.
I wish each and every one of you who chose to be parents, that you will be able to raise them in health, comfort, love and most importantly that they will grow up to be happy children. There is nothing more precious in the world than the smile of a happy child who lacks nothing. Yes, children are joy, for those who chose to bring them into the world!
[1] Christian Agrillo & Cristian Nelini (2008) Childfree by choice: a review, Journal of Cultural Geography, 25:3, 347-363, DOI: 10.1080/08873630802476292
[2] Senderowitz J. & Peck E. (1974). Pronatalism: the myth of mom & apple pie. Crowell
[3] Christian Agrillo & Cristian Nelini (2008) Childfree by choice: a review, Journal of Cultural Geography, 25:3, 347-363, DOI: 10.1080/08873630802476292